aries my children will not eat chicken until they are mentally prepared to eat it off the bone. we must end the nuggification of American culture.

taurus i will teach u how 2 get high off passionfruit coulis

gemini i'm hard prep with a soft grunge heart & a tropical goth aura

cancer i wonder if the barista knows i have experienced every possible human emotion in the 20 minutes i've been sat here drinking this americano

leo I was trying to copy the older guys at my local spa who wear their gold chains in the sauna but mine got rly hot & burned me badly

virgo I only drink the finest wine and I only watch the finest Harlem Shake videos. please don't send me links to trash- my palette is refined

libra Look upon my prettiness, ye Motherfuckers, and despair!

scorpio I HAVE WORKED MY ASS OFF TO GET WHERE I AM TODAY & I DESERVE MY DROID BUTLER

sagittarius don't make decisions late at night (ur tired) or in the morning (ur high on coffee) or the afternoon (ur tired) or the evening (dinner time)

capricorn a write once asked me what I'd say if I ever met my biggest hater. I paused, thought deeply and said, "probably 'suk a dog dik, motherfucker'"

aquarius u say "I don't give a fuk" but u merely desire 2 not give a fuk. When ur last fuk is truly given, a wave of silent euphoria will wash over u

pisces is it more goth 2 wear a black band-aid or 2 leave the wound exposed?