Cassius was disturbed by the sudden nonchalant demeanor. Cassius reach out, pushing the bottle away from Clyde’s lips, a concerned look in his eyes.
“W-wait…” he protested softly. “Please… please, talk to me.” he whispered. “I.. ah…” he looked at the liquor bottle, then back to Clyde. He didn’t know he’d brought such a thing, but would deal with that later.
“That seemed like more than just a bad dream….please… tell me what’s wrong.” he urged, then worried he was being pushy. “I mean, ah, if… if you want to….” he added, though his worry was clear.
“Well ah guess ah owe ye since ye ‘ave been so open with me….” Clyde murmured, taking another long sip from the bottle before looking back to Cassius. “Ah was ‘avin a dream about my mother….. ah…. it’s the same dream a’ve always ‘ad about ‘er. From the night she killed herself…..” His voice was merely a whisper by that point. He averted his gaze from Cassius, not wanting to see the pity on his face. Clyde just stared down at his bottle, rubbing his thumb along the neck of it. “It was ma fault."
Cassius’ eyes grew wide with shock at the revelation. At first he didn’t know how to respond, but as soon as Clyde uttered his last statement, his confession of guilt, Cassius pulled him into a tight hug, looking him dead in the eyes.
"How is something like that your fault?!?! No hay un r— agh! She.. I’m sorry to hear she…. that that happened to you. But I can’t imagine how you could blame yourself!” Cassius insisted, mixed emotions flaring in his hazel eyes.
“Ah made her unhappy ever since ah was born….” Clyde said, after working so hard to stop crying the tears just began to start up again. He closed his eyes, hoping that if they were shut tight enough the tears wouldn’t fall. Clyde had to take a deep breath before continuing, though his voice still shook. “Ma mum…. she… ah… she was kidnapped… tortured an’ raped….. by the time they found ‘er ah was already conceived. She didn’t ‘ave it in er ta go through with an abortion but… the second ah was born she just… felt sick. She cried… and cried…. she never really stopped cryin’. She refused ta hold me…."
Clyde tigthed his grip around the bottle, almost as though it would help him somehow. His voice began coming out more high-pitched as he tried to keep the sobs away. “She had Annie in hopes ‘avin another baby would distract her from ‘avin’ ta take care o’ me…. but it didn’t…. She hated me so much that she just….” Clyde then raised two fingers, holding them to the temple of his head. “Bam. Right in front o’ me…. her last words were ‘I hate you’.”
"Ah still see it… sometimes… when a’m sleepin’. It’s like God wants me ta constantly relive that moment. Over an’ over again. Remind me that… it’s my fault Annie grew up without knowin’ her mum…. why ma Da’ is all alone…. Why… How ah ruined everythin’. Just by bein’ born…."
Cassius couldn’t believe what he was hearing; or rather, he could, he just didn’t want to. To think that Clyde harbored such pain, and harbored it alone…. Cassius didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say. What could he do?
He did what came first to his mind; he continued to hug Clyde tenderly, gently. He rubbed his back in a consoling gesture, and wiped his eyes with his shirt as he cried.
"Aye Dios mio…. Clyde…. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you live with that on your shoulders… that you blame yourself…. that you had to see the things you saw and had to hear the things you heard…” the words spilled out of his mouth faster than he could process them.
“But… but it’s not your fault. That may not be what you’ve heard and believed for so many years…. but it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that such a terrible thing happened to her. It’s not your fault that you exist. You are not the cause, you are not the problem. Clyde, the only person at fault is the absolute monster who hurt your mother.” Cassius spoke rapidly, his accent thicker than normal as his emotions mixed from sorrow to righteous anger to worry.
“It’s not your fault…. for existing.” he repeated, catching his breath. “Clyde, your mother said those things and did those things because that man hurt her so badly… but that doesn’t mean what she said was true. You should not apologize for existing.” he insisted over and over, tears of his own welling up in his eyes.
