Personal Talk

TW for pills, self-harm, depression, eating disorders… all that good stuff. I just needed to get some personal stuff off my chest before I go back to studying. I’ll put a “read more” just in case, and all tw will be in the tags so check there before reading if you’re worried. This is also going to be really long since I’m ultimately talking about literally everything going on atm. If you actually read this thing, like the post or something just cause I’m curious. XD

TBH I haven’t taken my meds in over a month, almost two now, I think… I know, that’s bad. ;-;“ Starting tomorrow I’m gonna get back on them. I’ve been mostly okay, but I can feel myself slowly slipping back into a pit. I thought I was okay at first, but that’s probably because the medication was still in my system for at least a week or two. It’s been so hard to take them since my stomach surgery; I now have to take my pills one by one whereas I used to take them all in one handful ((at least I’d take all the AM ones in a gulp in the AM, PM ones all at once, and whatnot)) but it got so tedious after the surgery that I just sort of…. stopped.

At first I thought I was actually over it and didn’t need them since I was doing fine without them, but now I’m starting to feel myself feeling unwell and I know I need to get back in the habit. Last week I had such a bad depressive night that I almost self-harmed… I didn’t, but I almost did and I think that was a wake-up call that I need to get myself back together.

I’ve always had a hard time forming good habits, so I’m trying to think of a way that I can perhaps remind myself. Even phone reminders don’t often work for me, sad to say. I’ll think of something.

Lately I’ve been feeling very confused, or just overwhelmed. Again, I attribute most of my problems right now to not taking my medication. If you’re reading this and you take meds, please let this be your reminder to take your meds today, if you haven’t. I regret letting myself get away with this for almost two months. But at least for the time being, I’m stuck with the consequences. It will take a week or more for a lot of my medications to get back into circulation in my system, I figure. The only one that’s quick-acting is my Ritalin. I took that today, though I need to adjust the dosage when I see my psychiatrist next because since my surgery shrunk my stomach, I absorb medications differently. I haven’t gauged how my other pills effect me now since I haven’t taken them, but in the couple times I’ve taken my Ritalin, it’s been drastically more effective. That’s a silver lining, if you ask me. The less pills I need to take and the smaller the doses, the better, if you ask me.

Speaking of the surgery, I need to get back on the wagon. I’ve been eating things that I’m not supposed to. I mean, I don’t restrict myself from certain foods because that’s a mentality I can’t let myself have… but I just know I’m not eating how I’m supposed to. As a brief reminder, I had a sleeve gastrectomy, which basically means I got 2/3 of my stomach surgically removed. I won’t recap too much, but it was for medical purposes. I was doing great since of course you lose a ton of weight at first, but now I’ve slowed and I think I’m maintaining, which I should not be doing since I’m nowhere near my goal. I haven’t weighed in weeks, which I’m actually surprised that I haven’t. I want to simply to know where I’m at, though I have to be careful. I have such a strong history of eating disorders that even weighing is something I usually limit myself to doing at the doctor’s office. Though not only have I not been eating the way I ought ((or rather just eating mindfully)), but speaking of EDs….. ugh, I have to say this cause I need to get it off my chest. I’ve been purging lately because I haven’t been eating how I’m supposed to. Though, I mean, it’s not like back when I was bulimic. It’s because I’m eating more than my stomach can hold to the point where I’m sick, and it’s getting out of control. I’m hoping that getting back on track with my meds will also correct me this way. Either way I’ll be needing to bring this up with my therapist next time I see here. Hell, I should print out this post and give it to her since I’m bad at explaining things in person, haha.

Right now I’m on a bit of an emotional high from taking the Ritalin, honestly. Though it feels nice, since lately I’ve been kind of unwell. More insecure than anything, really. One thing my therapist points out is that one of my biggest weaknesses is that I perceive myself as weak, which keeps my from progressing and growing. She’s right, though. I tend to view myself as this fragile flower when I should be giving myself more credit, or at least believing in myself. I’ve been getting better about this, but it’s hard.

I think after I post this and do some homework, I’ll find my pill organizer and lay them out for the next week. Maybe that will help me; I’m determined to get back in the habit. I’m nervous because I’m bad at forming good habits, but I can change. I have changed a lot. It’s weird to think about that, but I have actually made a lot of progress these past few years. I mean, my depression is much less overbearing, I haven’t had a panic attack in months, I haven’t cut myself in months ((since September 30th, I think)), and I haven’t drank in ages. My OCD is even almost nonexistent on a day-to-day basis, which is a miracle to me.

Right now, after I get back on my normal routine of medications and have a more level playing field, I think I’m going to try and tackle my PTSD. I’ve tried in the past and although it’d gotten better, I think that’s what’s been holding me back the most, especially recently. I mean, I just said I haven’t had a panic attack in months, but I almost had one at lunch because I got a call from a local but unknown number, one of my strange triggers. I’ve also been trying to downplay the fact that a person who knows my abuser has been keeping me from doing things I want to do, and I’ve been spending too much energy and time harboring my anger towards them. It’s so complicated, but I do need to face it. Part of me doesn’t want to, honestly. Part of me constantly berates me for not being over it. PTSD is strange and unusual, and hard to deal with. It’s not as easily treated; there’s no specific pill for it like there is for depression or anxiety. I don’t know how to tackle it and a large part of me doesn’t want to…. but I’ve been carrying this metaphorical corpse on my back for too long and it needs to stop. I need to at least try to face it. That’s something else I need to talk to my therapist about. I don’t see her for another week, I think, but at least we’ll have plenty to talk about, hopefully.

I have been drabbling on too long and I should get back to studying so I’ll cut if off here. I reserve the right to make more brief, personal posts as they come to my brain. XD