I had a panic attack for the first time since July today. As luck would have it, it happened at school, during choir. I guess I’m lucky I collapsed to the side, because I would have fallen down two risers had I fallen straight forward. Though at the same time I’m not really feeling lucky because choir is my biggest class so fifty people just stared at me while I was shaking and twitching on the ground.

It was weird. As usual I could feel it coming; I felt the anxiety and my heart rate rising, and usually I just sit down and drink water and tell someone, but today (even though one of my best friends were right beside me), I couldn’t even speak. My legs locked and I just stood there. All I remember from there was my whole body feeling on fire before I blacked out. I don’t think I was out fore more than a couple minutes, though. 

I’m feeling a lot better now, as thankfully my shoulder took most of the impact of falling, so no concussions or anything awful like that. I just hate having them in public; it’s easily the worst affect my mental conditions have on me. I’d give ANYTHING to not have them in public. It’s terrifying, let alone exhausting, to be in constant fear that I’ll black out. Sometimes it’s not even a panic attack, but just a fainting spell from stress or a headache. I don’t know why this happens but it’s scary and the thought of people seeing me in such a state makes me afraid.

The office said they had to call my dad and let him know, but he didn’t bring it up (which is weird because if he knew he would mention it), so I think they forgot to call. My mom didn’t know either and was surprised when I didn’t stay after school for robotics like planned, and she’s even nosier than dad, not to mention she’d be worried and want to know what caused it (which I don’t hate; I get they care and I appreciate that but it’s hard when they demand an explanation to something I don’t know or understand). 

I’m hoping for a better day tomorrow; I’m exhausted from having a headache all day. I just needed to vent it out, so here’s this wall of text.