Taking a walk around campus in search of spoons.

Wish me luck.

I really wish I could find a counselor or one of my trusted teachers to talk to.

Instead I’m crying in an empty Bible classroom.

I can make it through the day, I just need to get some emotion out.

It’s okay to cry.

It’s okay to be scared.

It doesn’t make me weak, it makes me human.

Left Bible because of a killer migraine. I can’t take my Maxalt because the migraine is already in full swing. I’m distressed but I couldn’t find any of the counselors. Came to my old Bible teacher’s classroom but she’s not here either. Where is everyone?

I’m just upset today.

I don’t want to be in Bible. I don’t want to hear about God right now.

I love God and know He is real, but it’s hard to trust Him or want to talk to Him when my life is where it is.

I’ve been diagnosed with 11 different illnesses. I’m on 9 prescriptions. Why? Why is this happening to me? Why is this where I’ve ended up?

My mom didn’t get mad at me for having to come doen here for my appointment. OuO Thankfully she’s a morning person.

This is unrelated but she’s gotten a lot better with my anxiety and depression and stuff. It makes me happy that she’s honestly trying to help. She even catches herself when she starts to comment on what I’m eating because she knows I’m recovering from bulimia. I just am do happy that I’m finally getting closer to an okay relationship with my mom because all my life we never got along and I held a lot of resentment towards her but we’re both learning and trying to make up for list time and I’m just so happy because I love my parents and I want to have a good relationship with them.

Sorry for all the rambling this morning I just am having a weirdly emotional day I suppose.

Didn’t finish the bread but I will later.

Still on edge but taking slow, deep breaths and listening to the soft jazz in Starbucks.

One mistake won’t ruin my whole day.

Today can still be a great day.

Because of this setback I ate breakfast and got hit chocolate. Good things.

It can still be a great day.

Eating a slice of warm banana nut bread because breakfast is important and it will make me feel better to have some fuel in my body.

My body needs food and it’s good to give it food. My body does a lot for me so I need to treat it well. It deserves to be taken care of. I deserve to be taken care of.

Apparently to see the pulmonary department alone you have to be 18, unlike in most other departments of the same facility. Well that makes a big setback for my day. Thankfully someone cancelled their 9:30 at the last minute so in an hour I can go back with my mom.

Currently sitting in Starbucks with a hazelnut hot chocolate and taking deep breaths.

Although I should have made sure I could go alone, people make miserable. I’m not a bad person and I’m not dumb, I just made a slight error. I’m not dumb or worthless, I’m human.

Deep breaths.

Just got back from the surgery center. Had an upper endosocopy this morning to make sure my insides are okay after being bulimic for so long as well as taking an unhealthy amount of painkillers

Good news is that there wasn’t any extreme damage, thank God.

Bad news is that I’m on yet a nother medication for the next 8 weeks because they found a lot of inflammation along my esophagus and small intestine, as well as some internal bleeding and erosion in the stomach. They took a tissue sample from the eroded areas so I’m waiting to get the results of that back from pathology.

Right now I’m super tired because of the sedatives they had me on, and my hand is kind of numb from the IV they had stuck in me for like an hour. Throat hurts, but that’s to be expected from the huge tube they had to cram down my throat.

Pro Tip: Treat your body well because you need this thing to last you a lifetime. I got lucky in that my esophagus didn’t suffer permanent scarring like it does for many people recovering from bulimia. Of course there is still damage, but it’s treatable and in a couple months my esophagus and stomach should be good as new.

So yeah. Take good care of your bod. It’ll thank you with a life of much less physical pain and health bills.

Eating a protein bar because I’m a good grump and food is good for me. It was yummy and it will keep me full until after school. >u<

People who think depression is just being sad may as well think a broken leg is just some slight leg pain.

Currently sitting in the pricipal’s office because I’m on the verge of having a mental breakdown. Dad is on his way to pick me up but I don’t want to see anyone I just want to be alone.

Wow So Life has been Happening

For the -2 of you who care about my life, here’s a not-so-quick update.

-Put on Maxalt, an anti-migraine drug which I think the technical name for is Ritzatriptan or something to that effect.

-Still starting to work on my ED with my therapist. Had an appointment with her and made more progress. Went to a bakery afterwards and ate three bites of a cherry ganache. <3 Gave the rest to dad, so he was happy. Purged last week, but it was honestly an accident since I ate too much and have a grossly weak gag reflex from treating my body like shit for so long. So that taught me not to binge if I don’t want to purge… and I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to be like that anymore.

-Met with a nutritionist after my therapist appointment to talk about a surgery I’m probably getting in December. Successful meeting.

-School is cool. Trying to keep up in AP Calc. Senior retreat was a gross thing full of emotion and tears and not fun but I rode a horse named Cody so that helped.

-Scheduled to be consulted for a laproscopic endoscopy because if I’m getting surgery in December first they need to make sure my esophagus is in tact after being a bitch to it for so long.

-Getting like 12 blood tests done on Saturday morning, so I’ll be going to the first school dance that night sans a pint or so of blood.

-Focusing on food is triggering, but I’m trying to focus on it in a good way. I’m not allowed to weigh or read nutrition labels. I cheated a couple times… but I’ve gotten in the habit of taking my temperature every time I want to weight so I have a number to look at. I just temped and I’m 99.0 degrees Fahrenheit. I’m 0.2 degrees higher than two hours ago. Then again, I just showered.

-Wow this is getting really long I just have a lot of medical shit going on in my life with me recovering and being diagnosed with all sorts of fun disorders. I’m starting to look like a grocery list, not a person.

That’s all for now, folks. Stay tuned.

So since I’m trying not to weigh anymore, I’ve started taking my temperature instead of weighing. I’ve taken my temperature eight times today. I had to weigh once at the doctor’s office but other than that… I’m doing ok.

Having a terrible night.

Resisting relapse.

Trying to stay calm.

My mom is making me shave but I don’t want to be near razors.

I can do this.