My new favorite thing is berry protein shakes. ;u; They’re super healthy, easy to sip, portable, and simple to make!

-1 ½ cups frozen berries

-1 Premier Protein Strawberry Protein Drink ((or basically any strawberry or vanilla protein shake))

-4-6 ounces of water

-2 packets of Splenda

Just toss it all into a blender and you’ve got like 26 ounces of smoothie! It’s 30 grams of protein and there’s no weird added ingredients. =u=

Day 5 of the pre-op diet, and it’s getting a little easier. o3o I mean, it sucks that I have to do this because dieting is kind of undoing some of my progress in my recovery, but it’s just like 8 more days I suppose, soooooo.

Either way, I am quickly growing tired of protein shakes. .-.

Also I’m very hungry right now but I cannot eat because I’m on my pre-op diet and I literally can’t have the surgery if I don’t stick to this diet.

Just took a nice shower to test out some of my other products that I got in my Birchbox. =u= I used to cleansing body bar and it was really nice, plus I got another use out of a facial scrub sample I got from Lush when I bought their bath bombs. ;u;

I’ve made a new hobby out of trying different bath/body products lately. Since I’ve been spending less money on food as I’ve been recovering from my ED, I’ve had more to spend on little things I normally wouldn’t try, like bath bombs or aromatherapeutic face scrubs.

It’s really nice, actually. I used to be skeptical of frou-frou brands and beauty products, but it’s fun to try different stuff and the different scents are relaxing and/or stimulating and it’s just a really fun thing to do instead of spending money on food that I would binge with and being stressed instead.

TLDR; I’m enjoying all these body products. =u=

I need to call my doctor and get my meds adjusted. 

I went to bed at 11:00 pm last night.

I woke at 3 pm today. I slept through the entire school day. I didn’t get up at all; I haven’t used the restroom, eaten, anything in like the past 17 hours. I just woke up an hour ago because my dad woke me up, and after cleaning my car and stuff I’m just sitting here like how did that even happen. Why.

I need help.

Also today I had therapy, and my therapist was super proud of me for finishing my college apps and turning them in for the early action deadline. 

My therapist is the bomb, seriously.

She is firm and insistent on what she knows will help me, but she’s also incredibly supportive and quick to highlight even the smallest of victories. Granted, doing my college apps ahead of time was a HUGE victory for me, but she also congratulates me and points out when I do things like say something good about myself or develop a good habit.

This is just really important and secure for me, since I’ve had two therapists/psychologists before her, and they both were terrible. It’s so fantastic to finally have a therapist I trust and am happy to work with.

I actually feel pretty good about today; in terms of food, that is. I’ve only intentionally purged once since September, which is HUGE progress for me. I helped cook some food with mom as usual, and I feel confident about today. I’ve been mentally preparing for today, but I feel like I’m ready.

Also I ate a real dinner tonight even though I was stressed and upset go me. Four for me. I win. It wasn’t a healthy dinner but it was food and I’m going to ignore whether it was low-fat or nutritional or whatnot because it’s food and my body needs food to be happy and there’s no point in stressing out about calories I’ve already eaten because those calories stay in my body and I’m committed to that.

Okay but actually the Odwalla superfood thing actually tastes pretty amazing. I wasn’t expecting a bottle of green glop to taste so good. o.o

Not sure if I posted this but my attendance appeal got approved so that’s pretty cool I guess but the process to get it approved was a nightmare and if it hadn’t gotten approved….

~Rant Time~

If my appeal hadn’t gotten approved, I would have automatically gotten an F in two of my classes, and C- in the other two. Just for being absent a bunch. Mind you, all my absences were for medical reasons because I’m a sick little duck.

So I submitted the form for excessive absences a week early, with copies of insurance papers to prove I had doctor’s appointments on those days, or notes from doctors on days when I was ill, and it was all pretty and organized and all documented.

And it still got denied at first, and they never did tell me why, actually.

So this afternoon I was sent to the principal’s office to appeal in front of the committee, which was basically like four teachers, the dean of students, and the principal. And it was just painfully awkward because they needed me to explain in detail why they should excuse my absences and I had to explain my depression and anxiety and narcolepsy and panic attacks and stomach problems… my AP Calc teacher is on the committee so she already knew this though so it was nice having her there.

Anyways I ended up crying because I can’t talk about personal things without crying because I don’t know why but I do. So after crying I became more upset because I can’t stand it when people see me cry, and I just awkwardly left and a bit after I got home I got a phone call from the principal and apparently my appeal was accepted so my grades won’t drop but I’m still just upset and exhausted about what a nightmare the procedure was.

Eggs are one of the best safe foods for me imo because they taste good but I don’t crave them, they’re high in protein, take like five minutes to cook,  and can be eaten plain if my stomach doesn’t want to eat anything flavorful ((otherwise a little ketchup makes them perfect)). The only downside is that you do have to cook them, but if that’s an easy option for you, they’re an awesome go-to.

Some of my friends are recovering from EDs and a lot of times if they’re having a night where it’s hard to eat I often suggest they make a couple scrambled eggs since it’s small, light, and protein-y. =u=

pokegrump:

Making scrambled eggs for dinner. =u=

Update: The eggs are tasty. ouo Yay for five minute safe food dinners. <3

The medication the psychiatrist put me on for narcolepsy is actually really reducing my appetite. As someone in recovery from an ED, you’d think that was a bad thing, but the opposite is true.

I’ve found that because I’m not constantly wanting to devour everything edible while also feeling shameful for wanting that, I instead am able to eat what I need to and not feel the urge to binge. Consequently, because I haven’t binged, I haven’t purged either in over a month. vuv

So not only am I pretty awake, but my narcolepsy meds are actually helping with my ED recovery. XD Hell yeah, killing two birds with one stone!

I had a protein shake and a banana like 3 hours ago and I’m only just now starting to feel a little hungry again.

TW: Self-Harm Mention

Earlier I mentioned how English class was awful today; allow me to elaborate.

So, it’s getting close to the end of class, so the teacher puts on the movie version of the book we’re reading, which is normally hella cool.

Except, of course, when the movie has a graphic self-harm scene with no warning I mean we already all knew the protagonist is suicidal but honestly none of us were expecting a gratuitous scene where he picks up a shard of glass and slices his arm open jfc Hamlet and at least two people in the class are in remission/recovery from cutting.

So that was fun, and by fun I mean extremely triggering and painful and brought on a splitting tension headache.

And then, when I wanted to check on my friend who I know was badly affected by seeing the scene, I asked the teacher if I could go check on them because I was worried ((they stormed out of the room)). Instead of showing any semblance of concern when I mentioned they may not be okay, the teacher began to interrogate me as to why I was referring to them with “them” pronouns ((which are their preferred pronouns btw)). I was still kind of shaken and didn’t want to explain this so without thinking I told her that was what they preferred to be called by and I don’t even remember most of what was said but me and my English teacher got into a very brief, hushed banter about “they/them/their” being strictly plural and me telling her that for some people singular is used as they and then she gave me the world’s snarkiest eye roll and at that point I was so far gone I grabbed my backpack and ollied on outie.

English was a wild ride, and not in any sort of good way.

If someone has a trigger that you think is weird or random, don’t question it or laugh at it.

If someone tells you they have a trigger, there’s probably a damn good reason for it, whatever it is.

One of my biggest triggers is the name of my abuser. If I hear that name or read it anywhere, it sends me into a panic attack. Thankfully it’s not a common name, but it’s still a trigger that someone would find weird or out of the blue. That doesn’t make it any less real.