So it’s been a week. I’ve eaten breakfast every day, kept it down, eaten gluten-free, and drank lots of water.

Today I finally told my therapist about my eating disorder. I’ve been seeing her for a year but I was always in denial about it.

We’ve switched back to weekly appointments so we can focus on it. I haven’t purged since July, and I haven’t binged in several weeks. Physically recovering well…. emotionally… no. But that’s why I told her, so I can recover emotionally from my ed.

I just ate dinner; brown rice with zucchini and celery, barbecued chicken, and Italian salad with feta cheese. I ate slow, drank a whole glass of water with it, ate the protein first, and didn’t finish my rice because I ate it last. Good habits.

Since my therapist and I started working on my ED today, we set a couple ground rules.

1. No weighing. At all. None. My mom still wants me to weigh, but I’m going to wear a blindfold on the scale so only she sees the number. I refuse to see myself as numbers anymore.

2. No counting calories. By extension, I’m not allowed to look at any nutrition labels for a while since they’re triggering.

3. Food is fuel, not enjoyment. She assigned me a book to read that talks about 50 ways to cope with emotions without food.

4. No food is off limits, just think about what you eat from a scientific standpoint. I.E, I can eat french fries if I want, but they have no nutrition and won’t fill me up. Apples and Peanut Butter ((although high in fat… ugh)) will fill me up and are a great snack.

It’s going to be really REALLY hard at first… especially no weighing and no counting nutritional info. But I want to recover. I want to recover so badly. Since I started being treated for narcolepsy and am now awake… I’ve gotten a taste of how it feels to be alive. That sounds hella cheesy, but hear me out.

I was living in a constant state of sleep deprivation. I was miserable and tired. I need an adjusted dose, but even being 30% more awake has improved my quality of like 100%. I’m motivated, I pay attention, I get things done. And now that I’ve gotten a taste of what a normal life can feel like… sign me up.

I choose recovery.