Being a person with borderline personality disorder has made me question myself. I constantly worry that I’m a terrible person, and assume that I surely always have an ulterior motive because I am Bad™ and Garbage™. I wonder if I ever do things out of sheer goodness or if I always have an agenda. I don’t think I have ulterior motives, but I feel like I do. It’s a very weird sensation.
That said, picture me sitting on my couch, tucked under a blanket. My roommate is still sick, and I remember that the milk and honey tea I made him the night before had helped. He didn’t ask me to do it again, or even bring it up at all, and yet I got up to ask if he wanted tea. I didn’t want to be weird about it, so I said I was already making tea and wondered if he wanted any. I didn’t actually make myself any tea, but that’s not important. So he doesn’t even know I went out of my way to do it, and I’m content with it.
I’m not trying to be like “wow look I’m incredible because I did something for someone!” because that’s not the point. It’s less about what I actually did, but rather what it meant. From every perspective, there was no reason to do that since there was no benefit to it. But I did it anyways, and that made me really happy. And it’s moments like those that I remember that I can still be a good person even if I do bad things, as long as I try to improve from my mistakes. Instead of being a bad thing, I’m just covered in some bad things that I can work to shed off and show my actual self.
| Nov 15, 2018 — 2 notes — Tags |
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