Being a person with borderline personality disorder has made me question myself. I constantly worry that I’m a terrible person, and assume that I surely always have an ulterior motive because I am Bad™ and Garbage™. I wonder if I ever do things out of sheer goodness or if I always have an agenda. I don’t think I have ulterior motives, but I feel like I do. It’s a very weird sensation.

That said, picture me sitting on my couch, tucked under a blanket. My roommate is still sick, and I remember that the milk and honey tea I made him the night before had helped. He didn’t ask me to do it again, or even bring it up at all, and yet I got up to ask if he wanted tea. I didn’t want to be weird about it, so I said I was already making tea and wondered if he wanted any. I didn’t actually make myself any tea, but that’s not important. So he doesn’t even know I went out of my way to do it, and I’m content with it.

I’m not trying to be like “wow look I’m incredible because I did something for someone!” because that’s not the point. It’s less about what I actually did, but rather what it meant. From every perspective, there was no reason to do that since there was no benefit to it. But I did it anyways, and that made me really happy. And it’s moments like those that I remember that I can still be a good person even if I do bad things, as long as I try to improve from my mistakes. Instead of being a bad thing, I’m just covered in some bad things that I can work to shed off and show my actual self.

So, I’m going to an intensive in-patient treatment center.

When I first heard about it, I thought about the stereotypical mental hospital. However, as I’m going through the process of setting up my admission and it definitely seems a hell of a lot different (in a good way) than my first impressions.

Anyways, what I’m thinking is that I might keep a detailed journal describing what it’s really like. For a long time, I feared being locked up or admitted. That prevented me from reaching out to the full extent of what I was struggling with.

I wonder if a firsthand, in-the-moment log of my experience may help others who fear needing that level of help. What do you all think?

Well, it’s official. I will be offline from July 10th to August 5th because I’m being admitted to a partial-hospitalization program. There’s a lot of stigma surrounding needing to be hospitalized ((partially or fully)) due to mental illness. It brings thoughts of mental wards and people fucked up beyond repair. Because mine is partial, it just runs from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. then I stay in dorms at the facility like any other dorm. I guess a better term is in-patient, since the word “hospitalization” is the key word that there’s a stigma against.

I don’t know how I feel. To be clear, I am 100% going of my own volition. I’ve been struggling with all sorts of mental illnesses and issues since age 13. Over 7 years, no therapy or medication or both has only helped. At this point I just want to get better. I flunked out of college and moved back in with my parents, and I’ll only spiral down further if there’s no intervening. It’s just a lot to take in, and a lot to think about.

Me when someone even remotely starts to raise their voice at me:

Don’t forget to celebrate the small things.

To some people, it feels like you’re doing the bare minimum. However, if you’re doing things even when they extremely hard for you (in regards to taking care of yourself), you need to remember that you’re a fucking badass for doing it and you’re doing amazing.

Today, I ate before noon for the first time in weeks. My mom smiled and congratulated me, saying I did good. My girlfriend was proud of me and let me know it. It’s hard for me to love myself or affirm myself for doing these things I feel like I should be able to do easily, but those simple words of praise made a big difference.

There is not shame on relying on others for help.

I have trouble accepting this, and I probably always will to some degree.

It’s not easy. It’s one of the hardest things to do, but if it’s what helps you get better, then it’s worth it.

little bpd things

tharjas:

something: *small thing doesnt go the way i hoped*
me: i cant believe this… the world has turned its back on me….. never again will i trust a human soul. i will never be optimistic about anything again. trust nobody, not even yourself

(Source: 3874798ehjiwjdij43kjk)

Hey, no offense, but can we stop making up childhood cartoon conspiracy theories? Let’s be real; they’ll all basically the same. That’s not the problem, though. What ticks me off is that almost all of them involve trying to prove a character as mentally ill. Now, I love to headcanon mentally ill characters, but in conspiracy theories, it’s usually thought up by an NT who knows nothing about mental health and thinks it’s okay to use mental health to creep other people out and ‘ruin’ their childhood. If you can’t make a decent theory or creepy story without throwing mental illnesses under the bus, you’re a shitty author.

Okay but it blows my mind that there are actually people that only feel anxiety sometimes???

kiriamaya:

advicefromsurvivors:

Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from Neutral to Hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry”

!!! this thing! this thing right here!

stiltje:

tips if you are friends with a person who suffers from borderline personality disorder: 

* if you love them, tell them often (bpds lack emotional permanence which means we know you love us, but we can’t remember what it felt like to be loved thus leaving us in a very needy and uncomfortable position)

 * COMMUNICATION AND HONESTY - I can’t stress this enough. if you’re angry with them, tell them. if something they did made you sad or upset, tell them. bpds tend to overthink and find every possible sign that you’re upset with them, which is why you should be honest right away. don’t try to hide your feelings, they will know instantly.

* ease their fear of abandonment by doing things like let them borrow something from you (it means you’ll definitely see each other again) or (when you part) use reassuring phrases like “see you soon” or keep talking to them even after parting with them.

* talk to your loved one and ask them to try to explain to you how they work. a lot of people with bpd come from an abusive environment can therefor be more sensitive and broken than they like to admit. listen to them and validate their experiences.

* educate yourself. this is the most important thing because bpd it is a very hard disorder to have in an uneducated environment. realise that not all bpd people are the same. some of us struggle with relationships more than others, some of us can’t handle impulsivity and some of us find it physically impossible to regulate emotions and some of us are a mix of all of this or other symptoms - we are all different and work differently.

* don’t read idiotic things that makes us out to be abusive and monstrous. bpd people are smart and creative and we love stronger than anyone. our diagnosis doesn’t automatically make us into every bpd stereotype that you can find online on sites written by ableist assholes.

rosepulp:

not to be dramatic or anything but i need affection or im gonna die

(Source: softmoongf)