TW: Bulimia/Eating Disorders

I struggled with various types of disordered eating around age 10. Bulimia became something I turned to from about age 13 to age 17. I thought that I could get away with it if I was careful; I’d read the health risks and it was scary, but I still did it. I was desperate, and it made me feel like I was in control.

Lately, I can’t stop thinking about my past self- the me that thought “being careful” would be enough. I thought I was doing it the “smart way”, as if there was anything smart about an eating disorder.

I am now 20 years old. This post is for anyone who has thought about turning to an ED, or who has struggled with it, or who is still struggling with it. This post is also for me; perhaps if I get this all out there, I can have a bit of peace of mind.

Although I am in recovery, the damage has already been done. For four years, on and off, I had abused my own body. For the rest of my life, I will experience consequences of those four years.

I was not even aware of the internal damage until I got an upper endoscopy in my senior year of high school. The doctors found several stomach ulcers and tissue damage/scarring along the esophagus.

The damage to my esophagus has resulted in severe GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease). Around age 17 I started experiencing periodic episodes where I would wake up in the middle of the night, unable to breathe, gasping for air, and feeling a burning sensation in my throat. These episodes happen every now and again (only once every month or two if I’m careful), and are the result of my esophageal sphincter loosening being unable to properly close off (causing stomach acid to leak up into my throat when I’m laying down).

OTC (over-the-counter) medications are the best I can do to mitigate the GERD and accompanying heartburn, and it’s something I have to stay mindful of and go out of my way to treat.

I recently found out the true extent of the second problem caused by bulimia; a majority of my teeth are damaged beyond repair. The enamel is heavily eroded and there are deep cavities. I will be having many of my teeth pulled over the next few months and receiving dentures. I don’t yet know how many teeth I will be able to keep, but most of the back teeth in particular are damaged in such a way that it would cost upwards of $30,000 to repair them- money I do not have. Dentures, while still costing a decent amount, are what I can afford. The first two teeth were pulled two days ago, and some of the jaw bone was removed as well due to the severity of the infection.

Please- if you’re struggling with ANY eating disorder, get help. I know you can’t “just stop”. It’s never that easy. However, if you reach out and find resources to help get you on the road to recovery, it may not be too late for your health. Eating disorders can cause damage to every part of the body. This isn’t some scare-tactic, either. This is the reality of what happens.

http://www.bulimia.com/ :: Information and treatment options for bulimia and anorexia.

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/ :: Education and support for eating disorder sufferers.

http://www.center4ed.org/resources.asp :: A list of resources compiled by the Center for Eating Disorders.

//Please reblog this if you are comfortable doing so; be sure to tag “#bulimia” and “#eating disorders” for your followers, though.//

Fun Fact: Although I’ve had a handful of relapses, September does mark it being one year since I made the decision to choose recovery over my eating disorder. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

If you struggle with an eating disorder, please never hesitate to talk to me. I want to help you any way I can. I let mine go on for far too long, and now I have lifelong consequences. Part of my back teeth have eroded and yellowed, and I have GERD from all the damage to my esophagus due to bulimia. It takes a toll on you in ways that may last the rest of your life. So please, if you struggle with an ED, you can come to me. You can talk to me.