The thing about anxiety and panic disorders is that you usually know exactly how irrational your fears and triggers are. Typically, you’re completely aware that many of the things you fear happening are simply impossible. Yet you’re still terrified out of your mind, unable to shake off that sinking feeling as the thought of it comes back again and again.
Three years later, and tbh it’s still relevant.
Depression is so fucking weird because the back of my brain is always like “why am I even alive I’m not accomplishing anything everything is meaningless” but then something happens like I find meatballs in the freezer that can be cooked in the microwave and for a solid half hour my life suddenly has genuine purpose like there’s no joke here this is legit my life right now because I may be depressed but there’s a bowl of meatballs waiting for me and that’s beautiful.
| Nov 14, 2017 — 11 notes — Tags |
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There are many kinds of minutes. There’s normal minutes, waiting for food to finish cooking minutes, waiting for the premiere of stranger things season 2 seconds, waiting for an edible to kick in, ‘just one more video’ while sprawled across your bed at 3am trying to ignore how much of a fucking clusterfuck your life is and how you’re not accomplishing any of the shit you thought you would be minutes, sleep minutes, and so on.
| Oct 5, 2017 — 1 note — Tags |
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| Aug 22, 2017 — 13 notes — Tags |
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| Jul 7, 2017 — 76 notes — Tags |
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When I first heard about it, I thought about the stereotypical mental hospital. However, as I’m going through the process of setting up my admission and it definitely seems a hell of a lot different (in a good way) than my first impressions.
Anyways, what I’m thinking is that I might keep a detailed journal describing what it’s really like. For a long time, I feared being locked up or admitted. That prevented me from reaching out to the full extent of what I was struggling with.
I wonder if a firsthand, in-the-moment log of my experience may help others who fear needing that level of help. What do you all think?
| Jun 19, 2017 — 1 note — Tags |
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Well, it’s official. I will be offline from July 10th to August 5th because I’m being admitted to a partial-hospitalization program. There’s a lot of stigma surrounding needing to be hospitalized ((partially or fully)) due to mental illness. It brings thoughts of mental wards and people fucked up beyond repair. Because mine is partial, it just runs from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. then I stay in dorms at the facility like any other dorm. I guess a better term is in-patient, since the word “hospitalization” is the key word that there’s a stigma against.
I don’t know how I feel. To be clear, I am 100% going of my own volition. I’ve been struggling with all sorts of mental illnesses and issues since age 13. Over 7 years, no therapy or medication or both has only helped. At this point I just want to get better. I flunked out of college and moved back in with my parents, and I’ll only spiral down further if there’s no intervening. It’s just a lot to take in, and a lot to think about.
| Jun 16, 2017 — 4 notes — Tags |
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Depression prioritizes the most random things. Haven’t eaten all day? That’s fine. Can’t find my drawing tablet? Guess I’ll just die.
| Jun 14, 2017 — 5 notes — Tags |
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To some people, it feels like you’re doing the bare minimum. However, if you’re doing things even when they extremely hard for you (in regards to taking care of yourself), you need to remember that you’re a fucking badass for doing it and you’re doing amazing.
Today, I ate before noon for the first time in weeks. My mom smiled and congratulated me, saying I did good. My girlfriend was proud of me and let me know it. It’s hard for me to love myself or affirm myself for doing these things I feel like I should be able to do easily, but those simple words of praise made a big difference.
| Jun 10, 2017 — 4 notes — Tags |
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I have trouble accepting this, and I probably always will to some degree.
It’s not easy. It’s one of the hardest things to do, but if it’s what helps you get better, then it’s worth it.
| Jun 10, 2017 — 0 notes — Tags |
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I already have trouble eating enough food, but the stress and depression from the past few days has made it so hard to eat. I feel hungry, but it feels way worse to eat anything. I ate half of the breakfast my girlfriend made for me and I forced down some popcorn just now, but that doesn’t really have much substance to it.
| Jun 4, 2017 — 1 note — Tags |
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| Jun 3, 2017 — 83 notes — Tags |
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This isn’t a bother at all! It’s true that depression is one of the illnesses that I still struggle with. I’ve been receiving treatment for about 3 ½ years, and while it never goes away, there are ways to make it a little less of a hell.
First of all, you’re fucking amazing for reaching out. Depression is being thrown into a boxing ring with nothing when everyone else has gloves, headgear, and training. It’s hard to stay positive when the odds are literally against you, you know? So I can’t stress enough how great it is that you took the time to shoot me a message.
I don’t know if this will be entirely helpful, but here’s the ramblings I can give about how I try to cope ((not including medication and other expensive or often inaccessible treatments)).
1. Do Your Best
That’s the cheesiest shit, I know, but it’s true. And the key component of doing your best is knowing what your best is, because it sure as hell isn’t the same every day. Some days, my best is doing a four hour shift at work and making dinner. Some days, my best is getting out of bed and remembering to eat even though I can’t go to class. People will try to tell you when you are and aren’t trying enough, but they’re pretty full of shit to think they get to decide that. Be aware of what’s reasonable and capable for you to do, and strive for that.
2. Recovery =/= Being Cured
Like I said, I’m about 3.5 years in from my first official diagnosis and the start of my treatment, though over 7 years into the mental illness shenanigans in general. My dad has struggled with anxiety for literal decades. The thing is, though, that he’s in a place where he can cope to the point where it does not interfere with his ability to function for the most part. I hope to find that place as time goes on, and I’ve definitely made progress. Progress, even the slowest of progress, is celebratory and exciting. It’s easy to want to discount little victories and undermine your ability, but every inch is worth noting and encouraging yourself over.
3. Recovery Is Not a Straight Line
Speaking of recovery… it’s not a highway or even a city street. It’s a gravel path that diverges into all sorts of unfamiliar territory that may very well seem like hell at some points. You’ll crest jagged peaks and traverse cavernous trenches, and you may even find yourself in a roundabout, or treading in the wrong direction. You can’t be blamed for that, though. After all, nobody gave you a map, a compass…. but you’ll get somewhere.
4. An Open Letter to Those With Depression:
“To The Lovely Person Reading This,
You are stronger than you think,
Destined to soar rather than sink.
You shine with such a glimmer,
Please, never grow dimmer.
The mirror lies, it doesn’t know,
Where you have been, how much you’ve grown,
You shine so bright you shooting star,
Never forget you’ve come this far.
Love,
Jack”
You’re alive and reading this- your heart is beating and your lungs are filled with air. You’re made of the same materials as the stars in the night sky, and you’re just as resilient. An amalgam of countless components, you produce a light that many observe in awe. You may be too far to see them, but they’ll go so far as to find a telescope so that they may catch a glimpse of you.
| Jul 19, 2016 — 2 notes — Tags |
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Hey, no offense, but can we stop making up childhood cartoon conspiracy theories? Let’s be real; they’ll all basically the same. That’s not the problem, though. What ticks me off is that almost all of them involve trying to prove a character as mentally ill. Now, I love to headcanon mentally ill characters, but in conspiracy theories, it’s usually thought up by an NT who knows nothing about mental health and thinks it’s okay to use mental health to creep other people out and ‘ruin’ their childhood. If you can’t make a decent theory or creepy story without throwing mental illnesses under the bus, you’re a shitty author.
| Feb 19, 2016 — 13 notes — Tags |
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