Well, it’s official. I will be offline from July 10th to August 5th because I’m being admitted to a partial-hospitalization program. There’s a lot of stigma surrounding needing to be hospitalized ((partially or fully)) due to mental illness. It brings thoughts of mental wards and people fucked up beyond repair. Because mine is partial, it just runs from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. then I stay in dorms at the facility like any other dorm. I guess a better term is in-patient, since the word “hospitalization” is the key word that there’s a stigma against.

I don’t know how I feel. To be clear, I am 100% going of my own volition. I’ve been struggling with all sorts of mental illnesses and issues since age 13. Over 7 years, no therapy or medication or both has only helped. At this point I just want to get better. I flunked out of college and moved back in with my parents, and I’ll only spiral down further if there’s no intervening. It’s just a lot to take in, and a lot to think about.

I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom in a lot of ways. I’m dropping out of college and moving back in with my parents for the summer. I’ll be an hour and a half away from my girlfriend. I might be admitted into a rehabilitation center. The soonest I’ll be able to live with my girlfriend again is August 1st. The more time passes, the harder it’s becoming to eat. I already miss her and we haven’t even moved out yet. I’m nervous about living with my parents because they’ve never respected my trans identity and were the reason I developed an eating disorder when I was younger. I love them a lot, but living with them can be overwhelming. I’m having more frequent suicidal thoughts and I just don’t know what I’m doing.

TW: Bulimia/Eating Disorders

I struggled with various types of disordered eating around age 10. Bulimia became something I turned to from about age 13 to age 17. I thought that I could get away with it if I was careful; I’d read the health risks and it was scary, but I still did it. I was desperate, and it made me feel like I was in control.

Lately, I can’t stop thinking about my past self- the me that thought “being careful” would be enough. I thought I was doing it the “smart way”, as if there was anything smart about an eating disorder.

I am now 20 years old. This post is for anyone who has thought about turning to an ED, or who has struggled with it, or who is still struggling with it. This post is also for me; perhaps if I get this all out there, I can have a bit of peace of mind.

Although I am in recovery, the damage has already been done. For four years, on and off, I had abused my own body. For the rest of my life, I will experience consequences of those four years.

I was not even aware of the internal damage until I got an upper endoscopy in my senior year of high school. The doctors found several stomach ulcers and tissue damage/scarring along the esophagus.

The damage to my esophagus has resulted in severe GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease). Around age 17 I started experiencing periodic episodes where I would wake up in the middle of the night, unable to breathe, gasping for air, and feeling a burning sensation in my throat. These episodes happen every now and again (only once every month or two if I’m careful), and are the result of my esophageal sphincter loosening being unable to properly close off (causing stomach acid to leak up into my throat when I’m laying down).

OTC (over-the-counter) medications are the best I can do to mitigate the GERD and accompanying heartburn, and it’s something I have to stay mindful of and go out of my way to treat.

I recently found out the true extent of the second problem caused by bulimia; a majority of my teeth are damaged beyond repair. The enamel is heavily eroded and there are deep cavities. I will be having many of my teeth pulled over the next few months and receiving dentures. I don’t yet know how many teeth I will be able to keep, but most of the back teeth in particular are damaged in such a way that it would cost upwards of $30,000 to repair them- money I do not have. Dentures, while still costing a decent amount, are what I can afford. The first two teeth were pulled two days ago, and some of the jaw bone was removed as well due to the severity of the infection.

Please- if you’re struggling with ANY eating disorder, get help. I know you can’t “just stop”. It’s never that easy. However, if you reach out and find resources to help get you on the road to recovery, it may not be too late for your health. Eating disorders can cause damage to every part of the body. This isn’t some scare-tactic, either. This is the reality of what happens.

http://www.bulimia.com/ :: Information and treatment options for bulimia and anorexia.

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/ :: Education and support for eating disorder sufferers.

http://www.center4ed.org/resources.asp :: A list of resources compiled by the Center for Eating Disorders.

//Please reblog this if you are comfortable doing so; be sure to tag “#bulimia” and “#eating disorders” for your followers, though.//

If you relapsed today, forgive yourself.

Be it self-harm, an eating disorder, alcohol, or any other form of relapse- it happens. Recovery is not this straight line up towards progress. It’s a twisty-turvy trail full of roundabouts, hills, valleys… relapses happen, and it doesn’t erase the progress you’ve made. All the things you accomplished are still just as incredible and wonderful, and you’re still on your way to recovery. Forgive yourself, and tomorrow you can look forward and try again.

My Night @ Support Group ((tw’s in tag))

So I made a super brief post about how tonight was great and mentioned support group, so I’d like to expand on that a bit just because so many great things were said and learned tonight.

For those who don’t know, I had a gastric sleeve surgery about 3 weeks ago. It’s a bariatric surgery that removed most of my stomach to create a smaller, more sensitive stomach. I’ve made posts as to why I did this, but I don’t feel like digging that up to link to it at this moment so here’s the briefest explanation: for my health ((NOT specifically for weight loss like the stigma goes)).

Anyways, once a month the facility I had my surgery at holds a support group for people who have had bariatric surgery ((LapBand, gastric sleeve, or gastric bypass)) or are considering it. It’s an amazing resource that helps me connect with others who have gone through or are going through what I am in order to become physically healthy ((or at least as physically healthy as what I have control over)).

Although I’m by far the youngest, since most of the people there are 40 or older, it is an outstanding group of people who are the most supportive and loving group I’ve ever been with ((considering I’ve been to quite a few support/therapy groups for different reasons)).

Anyways, with all that out of the way, I just wanted to talk about some interesting and amazing things I heard and learned tonight. Because I’ll be talking about touchy subjects, I’m putting it below a cut.

TW for eating disorders, weight loss, dieting, fatphobia, self-harm, mental illness, casual ableist language ((at one point)) and anything else along those lines that may come up as I’m spewing word goo all over here.

Keep reading

love you x be safe this season

recoverykitty:

• Eating Disorders and Holidays
• 12 Essential Eating Disorder Recovery Tips for the Holidays
• Tips for overcoming holiday anxiety and stress
• Dealing with Family Conflict During the Holidays
• The Mindful Way through Holiday Anxiety
• Tips for Coping with Panic Disorder during the Holidays
• Staying Sane During the Holidays with Bipolar Disorder
• How to Survive Travel as an OCD Sufferer 

I actually feel pretty good about today; in terms of food, that is. I’ve only intentionally purged once since September, which is HUGE progress for me. I helped cook some food with mom as usual, and I feel confident about today. I’ve been mentally preparing for today, but I feel like I’m ready.

Shout out to all my lovelies with EDs; I wish you strength and peace today.

likeaclassicbitch:

aerloxlehkka:

verhungernde:

fun fact: you don’t cure depression by telling me i have nothing to be sad about

another fun fact: you dont cure anxiety by just getting up and doing whatever it is that makes you anxious

3rd fun fact of your day: you don’t cure an eating disorder by asking people to drop the act and eat normally. 

thegirlwhocriedfoxface:

ohkatnisseverdeen:

disney 2003

disney 2010

i expect this post to have thousands of notes.

(Source: spoillled)