Right before my mom went to bed, she told me to stop eating so much.

First of all, all I ate today was half a sandwich and some soup?

Second of all, she knows I’m recovering from an ED so why would that ever be an okay thing to say to me? Even if I weren’t recovering from an ED why would that be a thing you say to another person?

She tried to laugh it off afterwards but like…. dude.

Personal Talk

TW for pills, self-harm, depression, eating disorders… all that good stuff. I just needed to get some personal stuff off my chest before I go back to studying. I’ll put a “read more” just in case, and all tw will be in the tags so check there before reading if you’re worried. This is also going to be really long since I’m ultimately talking about literally everything going on atm. If you actually read this thing, like the post or something just cause I’m curious. XD

Keep reading

Wow So Life has been Happening

For the -2 of you who care about my life, here’s a not-so-quick update.

-Put on Maxalt, an anti-migraine drug which I think the technical name for is Ritzatriptan or something to that effect.

-Still starting to work on my ED with my therapist. Had an appointment with her and made more progress. Went to a bakery afterwards and ate three bites of a cherry ganache. <3 Gave the rest to dad, so he was happy. Purged last week, but it was honestly an accident since I ate too much and have a grossly weak gag reflex from treating my body like shit for so long. So that taught me not to binge if I don’t want to purge… and I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to be like that anymore.

-Met with a nutritionist after my therapist appointment to talk about a surgery I’m probably getting in December. Successful meeting.

-School is cool. Trying to keep up in AP Calc. Senior retreat was a gross thing full of emotion and tears and not fun but I rode a horse named Cody so that helped.

-Scheduled to be consulted for a laproscopic endoscopy because if I’m getting surgery in December first they need to make sure my esophagus is in tact after being a bitch to it for so long.

-Getting like 12 blood tests done on Saturday morning, so I’ll be going to the first school dance that night sans a pint or so of blood.

-Focusing on food is triggering, but I’m trying to focus on it in a good way. I’m not allowed to weigh or read nutrition labels. I cheated a couple times… but I’ve gotten in the habit of taking my temperature every time I want to weight so I have a number to look at. I just temped and I’m 99.0 degrees Fahrenheit. I’m 0.2 degrees higher than two hours ago. Then again, I just showered.

-Wow this is getting really long I just have a lot of medical shit going on in my life with me recovering and being diagnosed with all sorts of fun disorders. I’m starting to look like a grocery list, not a person.

That’s all for now, folks. Stay tuned.

So it’s been a week. I’ve eaten breakfast every day, kept it down, eaten gluten-free, and drank lots of water.

Today I finally told my therapist about my eating disorder. I’ve been seeing her for a year but I was always in denial about it.

We’ve switched back to weekly appointments so we can focus on it. I haven’t purged since July, and I haven’t binged in several weeks. Physically recovering well…. emotionally… no. But that’s why I told her, so I can recover emotionally from my ed.

I just ate dinner; brown rice with zucchini and celery, barbecued chicken, and Italian salad with feta cheese. I ate slow, drank a whole glass of water with it, ate the protein first, and didn’t finish my rice because I ate it last. Good habits.

Since my therapist and I started working on my ED today, we set a couple ground rules.

1. No weighing. At all. None. My mom still wants me to weigh, but I’m going to wear a blindfold on the scale so only she sees the number. I refuse to see myself as numbers anymore.

2. No counting calories. By extension, I’m not allowed to look at any nutrition labels for a while since they’re triggering.

3. Food is fuel, not enjoyment. She assigned me a book to read that talks about 50 ways to cope with emotions without food.

4. No food is off limits, just think about what you eat from a scientific standpoint. I.E, I can eat french fries if I want, but they have no nutrition and won’t fill me up. Apples and Peanut Butter ((although high in fat… ugh)) will fill me up and are a great snack.

It’s going to be really REALLY hard at first… especially no weighing and no counting nutritional info. But I want to recover. I want to recover so badly. Since I started being treated for narcolepsy and am now awake… I’ve gotten a taste of how it feels to be alive. That sounds hella cheesy, but hear me out.

I was living in a constant state of sleep deprivation. I was miserable and tired. I need an adjusted dose, but even being 30% more awake has improved my quality of like 100%. I’m motivated, I pay attention, I get things done. And now that I’ve gotten a taste of what a normal life can feel like… sign me up.

I choose recovery.