College Chronicles

I was almost out of spoons by the end of Chemistry, my first class of the day. We were reviewing for an exam, which was totally fine. No stress there. The stress? The review packet was ALL problems about counting calories, converting to percentages of calories from fat, comparing calories in fat free foods…. I couldn’t say anything because I’ve already asked for adjustments and if I raise my hand and complain at ever turn… I just can’t. It was just really, really difficult to get through it with a straight face. I had a hard time eating the whole rest of the day- I forced down applesauce at lunch and some beef jerky during Calculus. I’m home now so there’s no more excuses and I’m going to make myself slowly but surely eat. I just wish it hadn’t been the first thing in the morning because it really threw me off and I couldn’t say anything.

Keep reading

Keep reading

mentalhealthexperiences:

therisingofdawn:

dirtyheathen:

renewinglaurenjane:

Do me a favor okay?
Stop trying to go back to who you were before. Before you were raped, before you got sick before an eating disorder took over your life. stop trying to be who you were five, ten, twenty years ago. Before the mental illness took over, before he died, back before your parents split or you lost your best friend.

You are NOT the same person as before. You never will be again. Give up the idolization of “before” and be who you are now. Be the you AFTER.

Thank you

no post on tumblr has ever hit me more than this whoa

I needed to hear this today

Two bites of a chicken soft taco better get me through the day I feel so sick even from eating that much I hate depression because it’s do much more than just mental shenanigans. And then there’s the fun ED part where when I’m depressed I don’t want to eat in the first place because it makes me feel emotionally worse too.

I’m too sad to eat I will literally throw up if I eat but I’ll pass out if I don’t.

Right before my mom went to bed, she told me to stop eating so much.

First of all, all I ate today was half a sandwich and some soup?

Second of all, she knows I’m recovering from an ED so why would that ever be an okay thing to say to me? Even if I weren’t recovering from an ED why would that be a thing you say to another person?

She tried to laugh it off afterwards but like…. dude.

My Night @ Support Group ((tw’s in tag))

So I made a super brief post about how tonight was great and mentioned support group, so I’d like to expand on that a bit just because so many great things were said and learned tonight.

For those who don’t know, I had a gastric sleeve surgery about 3 weeks ago. It’s a bariatric surgery that removed most of my stomach to create a smaller, more sensitive stomach. I’ve made posts as to why I did this, but I don’t feel like digging that up to link to it at this moment so here’s the briefest explanation: for my health ((NOT specifically for weight loss like the stigma goes)).

Anyways, once a month the facility I had my surgery at holds a support group for people who have had bariatric surgery ((LapBand, gastric sleeve, or gastric bypass)) or are considering it. It’s an amazing resource that helps me connect with others who have gone through or are going through what I am in order to become physically healthy ((or at least as physically healthy as what I have control over)).

Although I’m by far the youngest, since most of the people there are 40 or older, it is an outstanding group of people who are the most supportive and loving group I’ve ever been with ((considering I’ve been to quite a few support/therapy groups for different reasons)).

Anyways, with all that out of the way, I just wanted to talk about some interesting and amazing things I heard and learned tonight. Because I’ll be talking about touchy subjects, I’m putting it below a cut.

TW for eating disorders, weight loss, dieting, fatphobia, self-harm, mental illness, casual ableist language ((at one point)) and anything else along those lines that may come up as I’m spewing word goo all over here.

Keep reading

I actually feel pretty good about today; in terms of food, that is. I’ve only intentionally purged once since September, which is HUGE progress for me. I helped cook some food with mom as usual, and I feel confident about today. I’ve been mentally preparing for today, but I feel like I’m ready.

The medication the psychiatrist put me on for narcolepsy is actually really reducing my appetite. As someone in recovery from an ED, you’d think that was a bad thing, but the opposite is true.

I’ve found that because I’m not constantly wanting to devour everything edible while also feeling shameful for wanting that, I instead am able to eat what I need to and not feel the urge to binge. Consequently, because I haven’t binged, I haven’t purged either in over a month. vuv

So not only am I pretty awake, but my narcolepsy meds are actually helping with my ED recovery. XD Hell yeah, killing two birds with one stone!

I had a protein shake and a banana like 3 hours ago and I’m only just now starting to feel a little hungry again.

Wow So Life has been Happening

For the -2 of you who care about my life, here’s a not-so-quick update.

-Put on Maxalt, an anti-migraine drug which I think the technical name for is Ritzatriptan or something to that effect.

-Still starting to work on my ED with my therapist. Had an appointment with her and made more progress. Went to a bakery afterwards and ate three bites of a cherry ganache. <3 Gave the rest to dad, so he was happy. Purged last week, but it was honestly an accident since I ate too much and have a grossly weak gag reflex from treating my body like shit for so long. So that taught me not to binge if I don’t want to purge… and I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to be like that anymore.

-Met with a nutritionist after my therapist appointment to talk about a surgery I’m probably getting in December. Successful meeting.

-School is cool. Trying to keep up in AP Calc. Senior retreat was a gross thing full of emotion and tears and not fun but I rode a horse named Cody so that helped.

-Scheduled to be consulted for a laproscopic endoscopy because if I’m getting surgery in December first they need to make sure my esophagus is in tact after being a bitch to it for so long.

-Getting like 12 blood tests done on Saturday morning, so I’ll be going to the first school dance that night sans a pint or so of blood.

-Focusing on food is triggering, but I’m trying to focus on it in a good way. I’m not allowed to weigh or read nutrition labels. I cheated a couple times… but I’ve gotten in the habit of taking my temperature every time I want to weight so I have a number to look at. I just temped and I’m 99.0 degrees Fahrenheit. I’m 0.2 degrees higher than two hours ago. Then again, I just showered.

-Wow this is getting really long I just have a lot of medical shit going on in my life with me recovering and being diagnosed with all sorts of fun disorders. I’m starting to look like a grocery list, not a person.

That’s all for now, folks. Stay tuned.

So it’s been a week. I’ve eaten breakfast every day, kept it down, eaten gluten-free, and drank lots of water.

Today I finally told my therapist about my eating disorder. I’ve been seeing her for a year but I was always in denial about it.

We’ve switched back to weekly appointments so we can focus on it. I haven’t purged since July, and I haven’t binged in several weeks. Physically recovering well…. emotionally… no. But that’s why I told her, so I can recover emotionally from my ed.

I just ate dinner; brown rice with zucchini and celery, barbecued chicken, and Italian salad with feta cheese. I ate slow, drank a whole glass of water with it, ate the protein first, and didn’t finish my rice because I ate it last. Good habits.

Since my therapist and I started working on my ED today, we set a couple ground rules.

1. No weighing. At all. None. My mom still wants me to weigh, but I’m going to wear a blindfold on the scale so only she sees the number. I refuse to see myself as numbers anymore.

2. No counting calories. By extension, I’m not allowed to look at any nutrition labels for a while since they’re triggering.

3. Food is fuel, not enjoyment. She assigned me a book to read that talks about 50 ways to cope with emotions without food.

4. No food is off limits, just think about what you eat from a scientific standpoint. I.E, I can eat french fries if I want, but they have no nutrition and won’t fill me up. Apples and Peanut Butter ((although high in fat… ugh)) will fill me up and are a great snack.

It’s going to be really REALLY hard at first… especially no weighing and no counting nutritional info. But I want to recover. I want to recover so badly. Since I started being treated for narcolepsy and am now awake… I’ve gotten a taste of how it feels to be alive. That sounds hella cheesy, but hear me out.

I was living in a constant state of sleep deprivation. I was miserable and tired. I need an adjusted dose, but even being 30% more awake has improved my quality of like 100%. I’m motivated, I pay attention, I get things done. And now that I’ve gotten a taste of what a normal life can feel like… sign me up.

I choose recovery.