The Signs As Vines I Really Like

Aries: "Stop saying I look like Chicken Little because he's a coward and I'm NOT A COWARD."
Taurus: "Road work ahead? Uh, yeah, I sure hope it does!"
Gemini: *sneeze* "Nice, Ron." "I sneezed! Oh, am I not allowed to sneeze?"
Cancer: That one mashup of the Seinfeld theme with "Numb" by Linkin Park.
Leo: "To make a long fuckin' story short, I put a whole bag of jelly beans up my ass."
Virgo: "Roses are red, violets are blue... why did you leave me Karen, what did I do?"
Libra: "You know what? I'm about to say it. I don't care that you broke your elbow."
Scorpio: "Whoah, I've McFallen! I'm sorry! I've McFallen!"
Sagittarius: "There's only one thing worse than a rapist. Boom." "*gasp* A child!" "No."
Capricorn: "Dad, look! It's the good kush!" "This is the dollar store how good can it be?"
Aquarius: "We all die you either kill yourself or get killed. *dances* Whatcha gonna do? *dances* Whatcha gonna do?"
Pisces: "Ask all of my friends, they'll tell you I'm the nicest, but not if you're in motherfreakin' ISIS."

The Signs As Bad Jokes Told On Game Grumps

Aries: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
Taurus: A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
Gemini: I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... he said: "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Cancer: What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Leo: A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says: "A beer please, and one for the road!"
Virgo: Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
Libra: De ja moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Scorpio: A priest, a rabbi, and Muslim cleric walk into a bar. The cleric, having abstained from alcohol due to religious restrictions, does not drink, and his friends decide to do the same. They spend the night laughing and having a good time.
Sagittarius: A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they sensed the potential danger of the situation.
Capricorn: What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Aquarius: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Pisces: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

The Signs as Persona 5 Characters

Aries: Morgana
Taurus: Makoto Nijima
Gemini: Goro Akechi
Cancer: Ryuji Sakamoto
Leo: Protagonist/Joker
Virgo: Yuuki Mishima
Libra: Sadayo Kawakami
Scorpio: Ann Takamaki
Sagittarius: Haru Okumura
Capricorn: Sae Nijima
Aquarius: Yusuke Kitagawa
Pisces: Futaba Sakura
[NOTE: A majority of these are the canon star signs of the Persona 5 cast. The ones that are not canon and were picked by me to suit characters who lack a canon birthday are: Morgana, Protagonist/Joker, Yuuki Mishima, and Sadayo Kawakami.]

The signs as quotes from "history of the entire world, i guess"

Aries: Nope, can't walk yet. And there's no food so I don't care.
Taurus: Fuck it, time to plant some grass. Look at this, I control the food now. Now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.
Gemini: Hey Christians, do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of hell!
Cancer: It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you. How did this happen?
Leo: Forget this. I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. I want things to change. I want to invent time and space.
Virgo: Is loving Jesus legal yet?
Libra: Let's overthrow the palace and start cutting all their heads off!
Scorpio: Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you 500 elephants? Ok thanks bye.
Sagittarius: Time to conquer all of Europe.
Capricorn: Damn, we gotta start pillaging some stuff.
Aquarius: That's bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that's a scam, fuck the church, here's 95 reasons why.
Pisces: You could make a religion out of this.