BWAHAHAHAHAAAA

Step 1: Acknowledge that while your perspective may be skewed, your feelings are still very real. Whether you’re acting on fact or assumptions, your feelings are still valid in the sense that you can’t control how you feel, and you should not feel ashamed for feeling.

Step 2: Pretend you’re a friend or counselor and explain to yourself all of the reasons the troublesome thought is not true. Affirm yourself without shaming yourself for feeling.

Step 3: If you need a few minutes alone to gather yourself, say you have to go to the restroom and do a bit of deep breathing while thinking of the nicest things people have done for you; awesome birthday gifts, words of encouragement, a fun family vacation, a silly memory of a friend. Let these kind of thoughts flood you.

Step 4: Profit.

((TOUCAN PLAY AT THIS GAME)) Whale, you’re not lion, that’s for sure. Even though they can be a bit hawkward at times they’re mostly amoosing, at least they are to me. The cheesier puns can be hard to bear, but I’d never call them boaring by any means. Also, I know this is irrelephant, but it just dawned on me that I’m really hungry. I could gopher some cereal; what is your favorite brand of cereal? Let minnow; I’d find your opinion to be quite ribbeting. If you’re getting tired of this, I’ll tell you right now that you can get otter here- alpaca your things, because hippocrites can go duck themselves for all I care. I’m not even squidding- I don’t give a fox. Owl admit that sounds toadally over-dramatic… sorry, that wasn’t the intended porpoise. I ewe can forgive my brief lack of huemanatee.

Yes, actually! I still need to get my friend to come over with their camera, but I recently received a galaxy-print binder from Shapeshifters. They’re an awesome business run by LGBT+ people for LGBT+ people, and one of the store’s owners, Eli, was exceptionally friendly with their customer service and enlisting me to be as model for them. They even specified looking for plus-sized, minority models ((with other usually avoided traits in fashion models)). So I would SUPER recommend looking into them. Plus, their patterns are FREAKING AMAZING. I’ll have better pictures soon, but here’s a selfie for now. C:

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

I don’t have a single favorite movie, really. I don’t even know if I can remember the first time I watched specific movies, so instead I’ll tell a quick story about when I noticed something about one of my favorite movies for the first time. Ever since I was a kid, I loved Barbie: The Princess and the Pauper because I’m gay little star child who is a sucker for musical fairy tales and also IT’S A GOOD MOVIE GET OFF MY BACK. //clears throat// Anyways, I was watching it with Milo for the first time in a while; I had recently gotten into anime and all that shameful media, and I noticed something about one of the main characters. That voice. That voice was too familiar- couldn’t be, it just–

One Google search later and I confirmed that the voice of the humble and learned Julian was none other than Alessandro Juliana, better known for his work as L in Death Note. Yeah. The movie gained a whole new movie, and it was the first time I viewed it with that perspective. Do a plie and don’t ever fall, Julian. Never show dismay and be there when people call, Julian. God bless.

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

Hmmmmmn…. I was too young but I made a lot of bad decisions as a kid, I suppose. I can’t say I particularly regret it, moreso that I regret I was so young when it happened. It wasn’t anything special, per se. It kind of built up slowly over the course of months so the intimacy kept escalating, and that’s just how it was. I treat my first time with a grain of salt, honestly, and as time has passed I’m not really super into the idea of having sex with another person; I identify as aceflux, so half the time I’m pretty disinterested if not repulsed in sex, and the other half of the time I don’t like the idea of the vulnerability of being that intimate with someone. I don’t know, my opinion may change, and I can’t remember the point I was trying to make.

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

I had an on/off relationship with this dude between 6th and 9th grade ((not the same person from the above recollection, mind you)), though he just didn’t like to show romantic closeness. I needed verbal affirmation, and he was too detached about it, regardless of how he really felt. It was just not working, so I broke up with him. We ended up talking again after a few years but the rejection and everything just made life a bit awkward.

22: Talk about your worst fear.

I think I’d have to say my worst fear is, in a word, “betrayal”. That’s not really the exact word I’m looking for, so I’ll explain. Frankly, I am constantly paranoid about how people feel about me. If I’m not given verbal affirmation enough, I am convinced I’m actually a burden, they’re merely putting up with me, or they only want me when I’m convenient. I have a very hard time shaking off this notion, and still even second-guess my best friend at times. If I don’t feel supported or agreed with on an important topic, I feel foolish, as though I’m seen as a fool and they don’t care about me at all. I suppose, that being said, my greatest fear is for my perception to become the reality. In my mind I know things aren’t really how I think they are, but I constantly worry that they will be.

29: Talk about what turns you on.

Depends- sometimes I’m not even really into sex or thinking about it lmao. IDK, sexy stuff??? Words are important to me so I guess that counts regardless of whether it’s a sexy time or not. Isn’t that called narratophilia? I mean, in the bedroom it’s called narratophilia, I think. Words. They’re free and probably your greatest weapon you’ll ever have, dude.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

My neighbor who lived diagonal from me, Andrea, had me over to play video games one day. I think she was 3 or so years older than me? I tried root beer for the first time at her house, and figured out I do NOT like root beer. We played Super Smash Bros. for the N64, which was super fun. I didn’t have an N64 growing up; I only went over a couple of times, but Andrea was nice and it was one of the few interactions I had with neighbors growing up, until my old friend Meredith moved in next door to me.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

Obviously shitty music, toaster strudel, Bratz video games and other dress-up games, BOTDF music even though it’s the literal worst, that Princess and the Pauper movie, shitty shark movies, psychological horror, kid’s things made creepy ((don’t hug me i’m scared, lost episode creepypasta, how to play hide and seek by yourself, mr. widemouth, candle cove, etc.))

And you’re so ragingly nice. ;;;;;v;;;;

8: Talk about the thing you’re most proud of.

No accomplishments ever come to mind with a question like this, so I’m going to be a little weird for a moment. One thing I’m simultaneously proud of and embarrassed by is my sensitivity. I am heavily affected by how others are feeling. I feel more deeply than I ought, which can be a good and bad thing. I’m intense and passionate and sound like a pretentious dork when I compliment people or tell them what I like about them. But I mean all of it; it can be a huge flaw, but ultimately I’m proud of my authenticity. That when I feel something, I FEEL it. When I give a compliment, even if it’s strange, I mean it. I don’t offer empty praise and I don’t fake empathy/compassion. If someone is near me and they’re a strong emotion, I feel that and I naturally draw to them to help mitigate the intensity if it’s a bad thing. I live to wash my friends and loved ones in assurance and solace when they need it and perhaps even when they don’t. Even though I feel too much, I’m proud of the fact that I am so receptive to the moods of others. I don’t know if that makes any sense, hm…

14: Talk about a vacation.

Every year when I was younger, my family would go to Lake Chelan during the summer. I remember a handful of things from those trips. I don’t think these were all from the same trip, but I’ll rattle off the first few memories that come to mind from those years: I watched the episode of Blue’s Clues that revealed Blue had a sibling named Sprinkles while I was in the hotel room; I often got car sick even when I took medicine to help me get through the three hour drive on each way; the place we stayed was called “Campbell’s” and there was a small gym and a restaurant over head; I was by the pool when dad told me a pun joke that ended with ‘it’s a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!’ and the way he was telling it I thought it would be a dirty joke at first but it ended up being silly pun tomfoolery; I went to another kid’s hotel suite and we watched the Lizzie McGuire movie and ate macaroni and cheese. I don’t remember anything about that kid, or the movie; I got this rhyme about antelopes eating cantaloupe stuck in my head when I was there; I ate a whole pound of steak and was really proud of it for some reason, when I got back there was a copy of National Geographic Kids in the mail waiting for me and I was AMPED.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

I don’t really get the desire to be someone’s friend- if we click it just happens. I don’t like having a lot of friends to begin with, preferring to have very few but very close relationships, so I never anticipate making a friend. It simply unfolds and it’s awesome. This was very hard to explain.

2: Talk about your first kiss.

My real first kiss or my literal non-familial first kiss? I’ve told the literal version, so I guess I’ll talk about my first romantic kiss. The setting is May of… whatever year I was in 8th grade during. Remember how that one guy predicted the world was going to end or something on May 21st or whatever day of 2011? I think it was was 2011. Anyways, I had a datemate at the time ((it was a weird three-year on/off/clusterfcuk relationship)) and we were joking around and I said something along the lines of if the world doesn’t end maybe I’ll kiss you. So, of course, when the world didn’t end, we shared a brief, awkward, but decent first kiss. Six months later I broke up with him because he was just too uptight.

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve ever had.

I’ve never been huge on celebrating my birthday? I mean, like in the sense of a party. I like going to dinner with family and getting things they know I’ll love. I don’t really like birthday parties, though. At least, not until recent years. I also can’t remember much about the specifics of my birthdays. Rather than the best single birthday, my best birthday kind of event is going out to dinner with my family every year. It’s basic, but I really don’t like parties. Even now, my ideal birthday party would be me and two or three close friends chilling at my apartment.

15: Talk about the time you were most content with your life.

….there hasn’t been? I don’t mean to sound like a downer, I suppose, though both because of my personality and the way my parents raised me, I was never really content. Not so much with my life, but with myself. By the time I was old enough to gauge the concept of being content I was being put on diets and the most important numbers were the ones on my report card. I have a difficult time being content with myself, so I can’t say I’ve ever been “content” to a point where it lasted more than a day or two.

24: Talking about something someone told you that meant a lot.

I’ve told this story once or twice before, I’m sure I have. And technically, this wasn’t “told” to me. At least not with words. In tenth grade, my mental health was at its worse. That was the school year I cut more than ever, tried to commit suicide twice, and could count the reasons to stay alive on one hand. I was taking notes in Biology, and my sleeve flipped up. I didn’t notice at first, but a friend of mine did. I pulled the sleeve down and nobody else seemed to have seen. Later, she approached me, tugged up my sleeve lightly, and drew a butterfly on my wrist, writing her name underneath it in Sharpie. It didn’t stop me from cutting for the rest of my life, it didn’t cure me- but I still remember that moment so clearly because it meant the world to me, and I think about it a lot, still. I’m not terribly close with that person anymore, but we’re mutuals and we’re both pursuing our interests in college. She’s still the stellar and ebullient person I remember her to be.

39: Talk about things you’d wish you’d known earlier.

I’ll just list them off in one big ol’ paragraph thing.

Dear Jack,

You are not defined by numbers- not a result on a scale, not a grade on a test, not any of that. You’re not a number, you’re not able to be quantified and defined by something as impersonal as a number. You never deserve a trauma. You’re not a monster, you’re just very sick. You need to keep working hard to get better, though. Know it’s not your fault, but don’t hide behind your illnesses to avoid facing them. You can’t just cure things or make them stop. No amount of progress will make the illnesses go away, but you will be able to improve, and you learn to cherish that progress instead of dwelling on the distance left to go. The way people love you don’t define your worth. Honestly, how much you love yourself doesn’t define your worth. You can’t be assigned a value; you’re a person, a SOUL- not a product. God won’t turn His back on you. God doesn’t cause the awful, terrible things. He can carry me through them, though. Get help sooner- don’t wait until you have a mental breakdown and are forced to get medical help. People will ALWAYS let you down- every single person you ever know will. They will all let you down, but the ones who realize when they do and show their guilt when it happens are the people who really matter. Don’t try to make pancakes with cookie cutters. Don’t take painkillers every day or you will get rebound headaches. You’re not overreacting; your trauma is valid and you’re valid. It wasn’t your fault. Never stop cherishing the North Star because they’re more than a friend; they’re truly a soul mate and never, ever let them forget how amazing they are. It’s okay to be cheesy. Tell people you love and appreciate them whenever you think of it.You don’t need a reason to compliment someone, to encourage someone. Just give positive words because they come to you and you want to offer them to others. You can get as far as you need to in life without fucking other people over. Music is…… beyond measure. Pun intended.

Our Fight Song, NGL

Send me a “FIGHT ME” to hear our fighting theme!

((UNDERTALE SPOILERS))

It’s a battle that if you want to mercy her, you just have to survive long enough and the battle will end on its own.

HOWEVER: You can end the battle on the first turn if you saved a Spider Donut or Spider Cider from the ruins- eat it on your first turn and she’ll realize you don’t hate spiders and you can skip the battle. Otherwise, you just have to survive until a spider from the ruins walks in and lets her know you’re not a dick. ovo;

Thank you! You’re not butting in at all- if anything, the encouraging messages are really amazing and I appreciate you taking the time to check in! 

I’m a little better today; still grappling with the virus but I’ll be going in to work today and hoping that works. :o For now I’m laying in bed, not being in class because I just cannot.

Hell yeah! It’s a pain that others being close-minded ends up either getting us misgendered, preventing us from expressing out gender how we want, or both. :x Honestly it’s a shame makeup isn’t considered a gender-neutral thing, because who wouldn’t want the option to engage in socially acceptable face painting?!?

LKDJFLKJ THEY CUTE AF

OMF

Honestly though if you’re gonna send me anon hate you really gotta be creative cause that stereotypical blathering just doesn’t cut it. They should have tried to be more festive- ‘tis the season to be a fucking asshole and all that jazz. I just feel like if they want to be a dick, they should at least put some effort into it????