PERSONA DANCING ALL OVER MY SOUL

My Life Right Now, TDT, And Other Things

Hey all, so earlier I made a post saying how I really am trying to avoid all things about the new TDT season. Well, I just got home from work and now I can explain.

Short answer: I’m a selfish dick and it makes me really sad to see this when I can’t be a part of it.

Long answer:

I really wanted to take part in Total Drama Colors. Like, really badly. But I just couldn’t do it. Summer is coming to a close, and all this month I’m working 6 days a week, and anywhere from six to eleven hours a day. When I’m not at work I’m sleeping, being with my real life friends, or doing my summer homework that I’ve barely started.

I just don’t have time to be a part of it, and it pains me to say that but it’s true. I asked my boss to give me as many hours as possible this summer, knowing it would take away all my free time. But I really need to save up money.

As you all probably know, I’m a trans man with a hardly supportive family. Since I’m going to be a senior in high school, I have to start saving up so I can get hormone therapy and top surgery after I move out. For those not savvy in trans issues, here’s the basic costs:

For about 6-7 years worth of doctors appointments and testosterone, that’s about $10,000. Top surgery is also about $10,000, but after all is said and done could end up closer to $15,000.

That’s $25,000 I need to come up with out of pocket in the next few years. Right now my savings account has a total of $500 in it. So I’m working 44 hour weeks to try and get some money before school starts and I’ll be working 15 hours a week if I’m lucky.

Aside from work eating up a majority of my life right now, I have doctors appointments on most of my days off, and even some of my work days. Most of you also know that I have a slew of medical problems, and at this point in time the doctors are trying to find out if I have a sleep disorder, and why I sometimes pass out for no reason. The past few weeks have been spent getting sleep studies, MRIs, EEGs, EKGs, and bloodwork galore only to find a million problems that aren’t related to why I saw the doctor in the first place. The neurologist made me increase my therapy to once a week again because he is forcing me to sort out my PTSD since he feels I can’t make progress on any of my other health problems until that’s worked on.

I’m spending MAYBE two waking hours at home per day, if not less.

On another tangent, I started driving like two months ago, which makes me really anxious and stresses me out but I can’t get to the job I need without being able to drive myself there. That being said, having to drive so much has made my anxiety skyrocket and is giving me problems with anger management that stems from my anxiety around driving.

So I saw the psychiatrist today and I’m being given 50% more Lamictal, and then I’m switching to a stronger sleeping drug that’s supposed to help with my daily migraines, but could react very badly with my Prozac so I also have to go in for some more bloodwork and another EKG after I start the new drug to make sure my body can handle both meds at the same time which I don’t know when I’ll have time for these appointments (probably my day off?) and it’s all a mess.

I’m a mess.

But I need this money, I need to do my summer work, I need to start filling out scholarship forms and college applications, and I don’t have time to do anything fun so that’s that and it makes me bitter and gross and upset and that’s why I want to see as little of Total Drama Colors on my dash as humanly possible sorry I’m an asshole and I need to go shower.

Peace.