How to Spaghetti Without Actually Spaghetti-ing

Trust me, I’m like ¼ Italian or some bullshit. More importantly, I’m a college kid who likes to make good food with the least amount of effort possible to fool people into thinking I have my life together.

-Grab a jar of hearty Ragu sauce and dump that shit in a pot. Add like a tablespoon of Italian seasoning and a pinch of garlic powder or something. Do NOT turn the pasta sauce above low heat and PUT A LID ON THAT POT or else there will be marinara blood all over the kitchen, I shit you not. Heed my warning. Use protection- put a lid on your pasta sauce.

-Preheat the oven to cook some frozen meatballs- Kroger brand Italian Meatballs are fucking rad and cheap so buy those like how I buy everything Kroger brand because I’m a college kid and I use my excess money on Toaster Strudels not on name-brand meatballs. Put like 12-15 on a cooking pan and pop those hot balls in the oven.

-Bring some water to a boil but don’t just boil plain-ass water, you’ve gotta commit to the well-being of this pasta. Put a splash of olive oil and a dash of salt in that there pot of water for noodles like you never tasted before unless you already do this when you cook noodles.

-Take out the meaty balls and put them in the pot of sensually simmering Ragu totally high-quality pasta sauce. Let them chill in the sauce for at least like 10-15 minutes so hold off on cooking the pasta until the balls are in the sauce. Patience is a virtue, my friend.

-Grab your noodles of choice. I prefer Angel Hair because it is the pasta of the Lord. Use half a box of pasta because cooking takes effort and this way you got like a couple days’ worth of pasta. Just make sure your selfish roommate, Jerry, doesn’t put his greasy hands on your pasta that you slaved over for twenty minutes. Make your own damn pasta, Jerry.

-Strain the pasta well in a colander or whatever device you have for the task. Wait a couple minutes while it sits, then jiggle the colander to get excess water out and all that jazz.

-Throw the sauce, balls, and pasta in a bowl, mix that shit up, and serve it to your heart’s content. Parmesan cheese is not required but highly recommended- Kroger brand Parmesan cheese, of course.

Congrats! You have sort of spaghetti-d and have created the illusion that you put effort into your dinner. Cook half-assedly and prosper, lovely people.

Holly Jolly Hot Cocoa…. WITH PROTEIN ((Low Sugar~))

So I just made this because I haven’t eaten today and also I can’t eat food because of stomach surgery, so if y'all just don’t wanna eat or can’t or just want a healthy holiday treat, you gotta try this. It’s freaking rad. ;u;

Makes: Like 16 oz 

Ingredients:

-1 Vanilla Protein Shake ((like 12 oz size, I use Premier Protein cause it tastes the best imo))

-2 tablespoons of sugar free coffee creamer ((use whatever flavor, I like Italian Sweet Creme))

-2 packets cocoa mix DIET! ((I used swiss miss diet, it has only like 2 grams of sugar per pouch. don’t use regular cause that shit’s loaded with sugars if you’re sensitive to that stuff))

-4 oz water 

-¼ teaspoon Almond extract or Mint extract or any extract you like tbh ((optional))

Directions: ((because directions are totally necessary))

1. Put two packets of diet cocoa mix in the bottom of a small glass pitcher. PUT THE POWDER IN FIRST UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO NOT BE MIXABLE. Seriously. 

2. Put in the vanilla protein shake and creamer. mix it with a spatula thingy until it’s like more or less kind of mixed well. It doesn’t have to all me mixed well right now, since that’s impossible.

3. Microwave it for like 1 minute 30 seconds.

4. Use a wire whisk to stir it better. Add water. Whisk again.

5. Microwave 1 minute and whisk. Repeat until as hot and mixed as desired.

6. Stir in ¼ teaspoon of extract if you want. I like almond extract.

7. Put it in a holiday mug or something. This is the most important step.

Nutritional Info:

Calories: ~230 ((no more than 250. It’s not empirical science, I didn’t carefully measure everything tbh.))

Fat: 1 gram

Sugar: 5 grams

Protein: 30 grams ((THIRTY GRAMS that’s like half a days’ worth. You go, hot cocoa.))