2: Talk about your first kiss.

My real first kiss or my literal non-familial first kiss? I’ve told the literal version, so I guess I’ll talk about my first romantic kiss. The setting is May of… whatever year I was in 8th grade during. Remember how that one guy predicted the world was going to end or something on May 21st or whatever day of 2011? I think it was was 2011. Anyways, I had a datemate at the time ((it was a weird three-year on/off/clusterfcuk relationship)) and we were joking around and I said something along the lines of if the world doesn’t end maybe I’ll kiss you. So, of course, when the world didn’t end, we shared a brief, awkward, but decent first kiss. Six months later I broke up with him because he was just too uptight.

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve ever had.

I’ve never been huge on celebrating my birthday? I mean, like in the sense of a party. I like going to dinner with family and getting things they know I’ll love. I don’t really like birthday parties, though. At least, not until recent years. I also can’t remember much about the specifics of my birthdays. Rather than the best single birthday, my best birthday kind of event is going out to dinner with my family every year. It’s basic, but I really don’t like parties. Even now, my ideal birthday party would be me and two or three close friends chilling at my apartment.

15: Talk about the time you were most content with your life.

….there hasn’t been? I don’t mean to sound like a downer, I suppose, though both because of my personality and the way my parents raised me, I was never really content. Not so much with my life, but with myself. By the time I was old enough to gauge the concept of being content I was being put on diets and the most important numbers were the ones on my report card. I have a difficult time being content with myself, so I can’t say I’ve ever been “content” to a point where it lasted more than a day or two.

24: Talking about something someone told you that meant a lot.

I’ve told this story once or twice before, I’m sure I have. And technically, this wasn’t “told” to me. At least not with words. In tenth grade, my mental health was at its worse. That was the school year I cut more than ever, tried to commit suicide twice, and could count the reasons to stay alive on one hand. I was taking notes in Biology, and my sleeve flipped up. I didn’t notice at first, but a friend of mine did. I pulled the sleeve down and nobody else seemed to have seen. Later, she approached me, tugged up my sleeve lightly, and drew a butterfly on my wrist, writing her name underneath it in Sharpie. It didn’t stop me from cutting for the rest of my life, it didn’t cure me- but I still remember that moment so clearly because it meant the world to me, and I think about it a lot, still. I’m not terribly close with that person anymore, but we’re mutuals and we’re both pursuing our interests in college. She’s still the stellar and ebullient person I remember her to be.

39: Talk about things you’d wish you’d known earlier.

I’ll just list them off in one big ol’ paragraph thing.

Dear Jack,

You are not defined by numbers- not a result on a scale, not a grade on a test, not any of that. You’re not a number, you’re not able to be quantified and defined by something as impersonal as a number. You never deserve a trauma. You’re not a monster, you’re just very sick. You need to keep working hard to get better, though. Know it’s not your fault, but don’t hide behind your illnesses to avoid facing them. You can’t just cure things or make them stop. No amount of progress will make the illnesses go away, but you will be able to improve, and you learn to cherish that progress instead of dwelling on the distance left to go. The way people love you don’t define your worth. Honestly, how much you love yourself doesn’t define your worth. You can’t be assigned a value; you’re a person, a SOUL- not a product. God won’t turn His back on you. God doesn’t cause the awful, terrible things. He can carry me through them, though. Get help sooner- don’t wait until you have a mental breakdown and are forced to get medical help. People will ALWAYS let you down- every single person you ever know will. They will all let you down, but the ones who realize when they do and show their guilt when it happens are the people who really matter. Don’t try to make pancakes with cookie cutters. Don’t take painkillers every day or you will get rebound headaches. You’re not overreacting; your trauma is valid and you’re valid. It wasn’t your fault. Never stop cherishing the North Star because they’re more than a friend; they’re truly a soul mate and never, ever let them forget how amazing they are. It’s okay to be cheesy. Tell people you love and appreciate them whenever you think of it.You don’t need a reason to compliment someone, to encourage someone. Just give positive words because they come to you and you want to offer them to others. You can get as far as you need to in life without fucking other people over. Music is…… beyond measure. Pun intended.

TW: Self-Harm, Depression

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

Wow, so this isn’t actually something someone SAID, but it immediately came to mind and it has stuck with me for like two and a half years now. When I was in tenth grade, that was arguably when my depression was at its worse, among my other mental illnesses. I was self-harming at the time, and one day in biology, a friend accidentally saw my forearm. I don’t exactly recall what happened, whether my sleeve flipped up or I reached for something and the scars were visible, but either way, they took notice. Near the end of class, they discreetly approached me, and although they said nothing, they took out a Sharpie and drew a butterfly on my wrist, writing their name underneath it. I don’t know if you’re familiar with The Butterfly Project, but it had some momentum at the time, and basically it was where you would draw a butterfly and write the name of a person who loved you underneath it, and it would inspire you to not self-harm because it reminded you there were people who cared and loved you. So when they did that, it really did mean the world to me. Sadly, that wasn’t the last time I cut, but I am very proud to say that I am almost nine months clean of it.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

Is it really sad that I immediately thought of songs that remind me of OCs? Whether it is or not, I’m not counting OCs right now, haha.

Well, me and Matt actually have a song, which is “Amazing” by Janelle, so whenever I here that, it makes me grossly emotional and I think about them. It’s quite silly and wonderful and moving in an odd sort of way.

Literally any older song with a quirkiness to it reminds me of my friend Devo- namely “Bicycle Race” by Queen. I’m not exactly sure why, but that style of music makes me think of them.

Listening to any given song by Blood on the Dance Floor makes me simultaneously regret my old taste in music while thinking of someone I used to be close to. I don’t dislike them now, but we did grow apart, sadly. Maybe someday I’ll be able to reconnect with them, if circumstances allow. But they introduced me to BOTDF in 6th grade, so listening to those silly, fucked up songs makes me think of them in a good way.

//Also: Hi! OuO//