The signs as inspirational life mottos

aries: fuck the fucking fuckers before the fucking fuckers fuck you.
taurus: I just don't want to look back and think "I could have eaten that".
gemini: don't do meth, do math. it'll fuck you up twice as much.
cancer: never put off til tomorrow what you can straight up cancel.
leo: don't let anyone with bad eyebrows tell you shit about life.
virgo: why say something in 10 words when you can say it in 1000.
libra: everything happens for a reason. but sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions.
scorpio: why wrestle your demons when you can use them to kill your enemies.
sagittarius: if no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it then how bad of a decision can it really be.
capricorn: sarcasm, because beating the shit out of people is illegal.
aquarius: maturity is like a light switch. you only turn it on when needed.
pisces: today i will live in the moment unless it's unpleasant in which case i will eat a cookie.