Today I was watching a video about weddings and I got all excited because some day I’m going to get married.

But then I got really sad because I’ll be a huge disappointment and failure to my family since I plan on transitioning and marrying a beautiful woman (or maybe a man I suppose) at the altar with me wearing a suit and I feel like if my dad is still alive then he’d sooner cry than dare go to such an event.

And then I just get really miserable.

When I came out as trans* to my dad, he started crying.

When I got packages in the mail addressed to Jack, he asked me to order things under my birth name so he didn’t have to see my name when he got the mail.

And I just kind of lay here and think about how it will make my dad hurt so much for me to transition and start hormone therapy and all this stuff that I’m looking forward too so much.

And then I wonder if I should just not transition and live my life as a girl because making my dad cry is the worst feeling. Maybe it’d be better to be someone else and make my family proud than to be me because I’m not the daughter my parents expected.

And then I figure I just won’t ever get married so I never have to deal with this. I’ll just be alone forever and never get too close to anyone, because that’d be better than seeing that look on my dad’s face.

And that’s about the point where I just toss and turn all night and cry.